just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
