life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
