so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
