you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
