"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
