How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
