If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
