Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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