I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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