Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
