life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
