God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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