im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
