guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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