sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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