i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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