plz talk dirty to me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
