his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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