I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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