I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
