in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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