my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
