Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
