roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
