Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Randomize
