I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
