my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
