I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
