i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
