I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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