Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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