What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I didn't notice because vodka
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
