Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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