I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
