I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
