I'm really into asian looking animals
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
