Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
