i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
