Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
