I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
