R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
