Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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