Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
