all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
