Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
