I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
