i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
