Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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