I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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