So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
